Lately, I have managed to reach peace between the ex-husband and me. It was a long journey…
I decided to write some tips on how to get here. It is not an easy road as it requires:
a. Massive effort (mostly from your side as you can not influence the other)
b. Working on your ego (yes yours, and also on dropping power games)
c. Mastering your emotion* and much more...
It is not easy self-work. Still, it might be worth it.
I wanted to use another title like 'divorce without fighting back' as very often what is causing the rough process when separation or after the separation is that every side is fighting with another. So one of the keys here is to stop fighting back. Generally, word: "fight" is quite strong, and I was wondering if use it and actually after retrospection of what's going on most of the times between couples when separation or divorce I see that the word: fighting is very accurate (unfortunately...)
As I prefer to stay optimistic, I gave the more courteous title to this writing piece: 'the peaceful divorce'.
Why 'not fighting back' might work well for you in the long term...?
I wrote all my learnings in points this time:
1. Never give up on the goal of making peace with the ex. - Why? It is worth having it in mind, especially when you have kids. They see what's going on between you two, they feel it, and they learn from it. They also absorb the energy for their growth - it can be good energy or bad energy (high vibration or low vibration, it is easy to guess which one is good). Children love both parents - don't make them suffer by making choices of on which side they should stand for.
2. Have real compassion. Be good and be kind - when he or she is not. This will give a change for better tomorrow and will teach you compassion. Yes, real compassion for another person is unconditional. Sounds crazy? It is not that crazy. It is easy to have kindness for people we like. There is nothing complicated in it. It is a normal state which you can easily reach. It's good to have it and use it but to truly grow it, is crucial to learn to have this act of compassion and use it when it comes to people you dislike. Not easy road, I know. Still, it is possible. Especially when you think in the long term. Even the worst enemies can make a piece after years... [Watch the movie: The Railway Man 2013, and you will understand it; btw the film is outstanding]
'If you want to be happy, practice compassion' - Dalai Lama**
3. Have a long term perspective. Maybe it is bad now. But, perhaps it can be better in 1,2,3 or more years. It is worth trying. Life takes years, not weeks. It means that you can have a perspective of 5,10 or 25 years to reach peace between you and other people. Do not think and do not say: 'it will never work out' because actually, you do not know it. And if you focus on bad, the bad will manifest. If you focus on good, the good will show up.
4. Focus on good even if it's a small glimpse of goodness. Appreciate it (even if he or she doesn't) and start to build on it. It might be a long process, one step forward two steps back. Still, go ahead until he or she notices it and see what happens and - critical - be patients, extremely patient.
5. Do not sustain a victim story. He or she left me, cheated on me, treated me bad, left me, and so on... it's in the past already, and you need to realize it. It is gone now, and it stays only in your head. Do not be defined by the old story. Choose the future and a better story for yourself.
6. Stop having expectations to THE EX, like he or she would be still your partner. He or she is not. There is no 'but he or she...' here. She or he doesn't owe you anything. You are responsible for your life. 100% you. The game is over. Start capturing that part. It will make your life manageable in the long term if you take full responsibility for yourself your actions and reaction! In a short time, it might require more effort.
Remember that everything happens for a reason. You will understand it one day. If you stay open.
Divorce, separation, and what's happening later is not the most pleasant thing. I will sum up ... in simple words.
You can choose to destroy or to build, every day.
It is simple, like this one short sentence. The decision is yours.
Read also my blog on divorce topic: https://www.ulinity.com/blog/it-takes-2-years-not-less
*Read more on mastering your moods:https://www.ulinity.com/blog/how-to-be-the-master-of-your-own-moods
**Book: "The Art of Happiness" by Dalai Lama XIV, Howard C. Cutler