It takes two years not less...
To recover from divorce or separation, which I remind you is one of the most stressful life events according to The Holmes And Rahe Stress Scale, it takes TIME and hard work.
Yes hard work on yourself.
I heard so many times from people: “I will leave him or her and I will be happy and free….” Well… no, you most probably will not! Surprise, surprise.
You finally made the decision. You may have even gotten through a formal process without a big struggle (less possible but let's stay optimistic here;).
Feel this relief and enjoy this moment because it will go away.
Yes, you understood me well. It will go away, this relief and ‘feeling free’ state will unfortunately not last forever.
In few weeks or months, it will start...
A new ‘friend’ is coming: self-doubt, guilt, sadness... shall we continue?
And what then? I am telling you – that it's really good if you feel that!
Why ... ? There are few reasons:
#1: When you divorce the spirit of the couple is crying.
Yes the spirit of the couple.
Each important relationship in your life creates a bond, an essence, some call it the bond some call it the spirit of the couple.
So… The spirit of the couple is sad. Because something has ended, and this essence this bond between two people is evaporating. Something that lasted for a long time and I am sure, very often had beautiful moments.
So what do we do when something dies?
We grieve after a loss. It is so important to feel it.
There will be more 'rollercoaster' feelings coming.
Expressing all of them is really critical.
And love hurts. I can promise you that it hurts only for a while.
#2: If you are lucky, you start to notice that all the problems are not solved just by getting a divorce.
And guess what... they will not resolve themselves. That's your job. Yes, Yours.
No blaming others anymore? You probably still do, but trust me it's possible not to blame others and to take responsibility for your life with all the joy and all the crap as well.
If you manage to get there you will hear bravo YOU!
Finally you know that there is something (probably even a lot) that you can do without blaming him or her for not being happy.
#3: We need all our emotions for inner development.
SO if you are feeling irritated, angry or sad already, that's really good. Because that's the chance for you to wake up from the dream you were living.
Yes, it’s a chance for waking up. All crises in our lives make lots of harm, and at the same time they do lots of good things (if you let them).
You may experience a start of your great inner, deep transformation. It’s almost always painful at one or another moment.
Sorry to say that. This is the way we develop, yes that's our purpose as humans too. To uplift and evolve, to be the better servant to the world and others. By crises we are ‘forced’ to work on our ego (our selfish ego), we turn inwards. And that might be scary. I know.
Coming back to the separation process.
The Divorce and the Hope.
It's amazing how optimistic we are... He/She didn't respect me (or did even worse things) and we decided to spill out and now what? You still have a hope... hope that he/she will change, ‘let's work it out together’ they say ...
You might be afraid of many things: will I be alone? (yes, of course, and its possible that you will be alone for some time...).
What if she / he gets a new partner? You will suffer? Yes, really? So you wanted him or not? Face it. You will have a new partner and he/she will have a new partner hopefully. At least you were not divorcing just to prove something ? Were you?
It's so hard to make the ending decision at the end… I know that. That's a really serious decision and it's good to think about it twice.
And if you are ‘the left’ one its also worth making a decision called: let it go.
Let her/him go. Decide to build a new life. Your life. That might be a really scary decision to make. And You can do it. I know that.
Children… yes they might be sad about their parents separation (although, if they are older they might be even happy because they just felt and knew what was going on… and it will be a relief for them on emotional level.)
‘Will I ruin my childrens life?’ I hear so often.
No you won’t, you are doing it now but staying with a person you don’t love or with the person who doesn’t love you.
Your responsibility towards your children is to be full, to be happy with yourself, and to show them that you manage and create your life in the way you want it to be so they can do the same later.
And you show them that you are worthy just by being you… not by being defined by others and their expectations. So they know what happiness looks like and that they can find it inside them.
I read once that living in a home where parents are not happy together is like living in a cemetery and it creates emotional zombies: meaning children raised in a home without love.
So believe me your children can already sense that tension between you and you partner or that emptiness. So free yourself and them from this and show them that YOU can be happy, you can be full just by being you. They deserve truth.
The Emotional Roller Coaster of Divorcing a Person.
Stay cool and breathe. When it's coming just breathe. Remember to breathe and let it go. And repeat. Breathe and let it go.
Ask someone to listen to you. Again and again talk. And if you are the listening person know that you are helping just by being there, listening without judging. Do not advise, do not critique, just listen and be. With acceptance for the process. It’s a big and long proccess.
Feeling ugly and stinky, old and used, or useless... Most of the people I’ve worked with feel like this after a separation (especially after being left). The good news is: it will go away, really.
It’s like the rubbish (too much rubbish stings) so you grab a rubbish bag, lift them and carry them straight to the rubbish bin. Here is the same, you just need to grab it and throw it away.
Letting go of old "shit" is actually one of the most scary things for many people (read more about letting go here: www.ulinity.com/blog/your-one-suitcase-life). I promise you it will go away. Still you need to do something to help it go and to help yourself to feel better in your own skin. Go out. Do something even small like going to the hair dresser. Ask for help.
Let's put a little bit of light here again. The bright side of this is:
- this is your chance to wake up (on many levels)
- this is your chance to heal what needs to be healed
- this is your chance to find yourself again or maybe even for the first time
And one day it will come (it comes on average in 2 years, if you work deeply on YOU) this day of sunshine shining in your life. You will take a breath and say I did it. I feel alive again. Maybe even this light will come from inside you ...
At the end remember these words and say them when you are ready to deeply understand them:
Divorce is Loving.